Last tears

P/s: This is the last time, i promise and i swear, never gonna mention them again, I repeat never again!

I actually thought that i wouldn't cry today. As i think i'm strong enough to take it. The moment we have to walk around her coffin. I start to think "it's really ending, i'm not going to see her forever" I'm not sure why i do that, by telling myself negative things
I couldn't deny, my eyes turn red, two drop of tears dropped down.

When we sit on another side, i told my mum, "i really miss her, i miss her alot" And i cried like mad. I didn't know i actually can't take it at all. I always thought i could accept the fact that she's gone. but, i really can't, till now i can't believe at all. I know over is over, but just that .. forget it you'll never understand anyway.

When we walk till the road, sending her away. I tell you, my soul is not in my body at all.
I wasn't looking at ways i'm walking, my eyes looked down and thinking of her.
Thinking of her good, how she treat me, and how i use to hug her. i regret, i regret everything i've done. For not cherishing, i swear i regret big times!

when we reached there, the moment i saw her coffin i start to tear. I have a rush to hug the coffin and cry. I'm not trying to be crazy, but just have that kind of rush
don't wish to see her got burnned.

Finally, fact is still fact. they pushed her into the path that will send her to the burning room. I swear that moment, my heart is shouting " DON'T, PLEASE DON'T !" but i can't shout my voice out of my throat. I just keep tearing, and tearing. I couldn't know how hurt i am, that moment. i knee down on the floor and crying very loudly.

I totally can't live without her i could say. I thought i could, i thought i can! cause it have been years since i live with her. I didn't visit her for 1 year and .. i regretted. I really regretted.

Granny, rest in peace. I gonna miss you alot.
Remembering whatever you did for me for the past 16 years.
& thank you.